Conversation while running errands, today.
Me: What would you call a group of midgets?
Jeremy: A clump.
“Maybe you guys shouldn’t have another kid. Oliver is so brilliant, it’s like he took up all of your good genes. If you had another one, they’d probably end up being a dumb shit.”
-said during a conversation with my mom.
Nine months. That’s how long it has been since I was posting regularly.
Nine whole months!
Hmmm, which means that Ollie was only 17 months old when I stopped. Do you realize how much can happen with a kid in that time frame? MInd-boggling growth!! He went from a teetering, tentative toddler, who could recall the name of a few people and objects, to a full blown couch diving, running full speed ahead, “I want to tackle, Daddy!” boy!
And the language on this kid! Talk about being skipper of the S.S. Pottymouth! Just kidding; that isn’t actually true, although we have had some pretty funny incidents when he has repeated some phrases that he probably shouldn’t say. LIke the time Jeremy stated firmly, “This is BULLSHIT!” about something that wasn’t working the way he wanted, only to have Ollie start marching up and down the stairs chanting, “BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT,” the whole time. Or the time when I jammed my finger on his car seat and shortly after heard his sweet voice say, “Son of bitsh, mommy!” (In case you are wondering, yes, we did laugh our asses off…silently and out of view. Jeremy was able to keep it together in front of Ollie, but as we know from my lack of a “that’s not funny face,” I had to leave the room.)
Alright, I am just going to come out and say what I am sure every parent thinks about their child.
My kid is a goddamn genius.
He “reads” aloud (I am pretty sure it is just from memory at the moment) “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by Eric Carle, “The Little Engine That Could!” by Watty Piper, and “Bears,” by Maurice Sendak. CUTEST. THING. EVER!! I have it on video and as soon as I can upload it to my computer I will post it here for you. I am telling you, you will want to lay down a tarp first because your heart is going to melt all over your feet.
You know the best part about a kid who is wanting to learn new words and phrases? You can get them to repeat the funniest shit! No, I am not talking about the profanity. As funny as I said that would be, I didn’t actually want him to do it at such a young age. Do I care if Oliver swears? Not really, I just want him to understand that there is a time and a place for it. Anyways, what I am talking about are phrases that you WANT him to repeat.
Here are some of the family favorites:
“Hey! What the deuce?!”
“Hey sucka! You gotta big fat floop flo!”
I may just have to upgrade my wordpress account so that I can start posting the audio clips I have of all of these. He has the most darling little voice!
In addition to his new language skills, he can identify every letter of the alphabet in both the lower and upper case forms. He can also identify numbers 0 – 10, and he can count to 17 on his own and higher, if coaxed. He knows every color of the rainbow and more. And on top of all that, he can point out a circle, triangle, square, diamond, oval, crescent, octagon, rectangle, and star. When we are out running errands he likes to point these out as we come across them. A trip to the store would not be complete without hearing, “Mommy, wook! A byyooo stah!” or “Hey, mommy, wook! A lellow soh-cle!”
When you repeat back what he said, “Oh you saw a yellow circle?!”, he nods his little head and says, “Oh. Wight.”
Oh but guess what?! There is an added bonus that comes with all this new found language. Something in the fine print that they don’t tell you about, up front.
Tantrums. Screaming, flailing, seeming to never end, tantrums.
It’s funny how five minutes can feel like hours when the phrase, “MOMMY, NO!” is being repeated at the top of a two year old’s lungs.
Let’s be clear on one thing, though. I will not tolerate anyone saying my son is in “the terrible twos.” I hate that phrase. I hate the message it sends. Even during the times when he is in full blown meltdown, it’s not terrible. I know and understand the multiple reasons why he is doing this. On one hand it has got to be a pain in the ass to want to communicate so badly and to have everyone tell you they can’t understand what you are saying. I would get pissed, too. That in no way means that I condone this behavior at all, and he is disciplined when he is rude or belligerent to myself or Jeremy. I am just saying, I get it. I also get that he is figuring out his boundaries and pushing us to see what he can get away with, to see where the line has been drawn. Again, fine, but you step too far over that line and there are consequences.
But, truth be told, it sucks. I know it is just a phase and one that I hope is over, quickly. I hate getting mad at this face. Breaks my heart.
The other day while having coffee with my dear friends, Rachel and Dawni, we got on the topic of the new season of Dancing with the Stars. Now while I have never been a fan of this show, I had to admit that I am totally stoked that the Karate Kid himself is going to be in this season’s cast!
I have this fantasy playing out in my mind that I can only hope happens on the show.
Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Sweep the leg, Kirstie.
Kirstie Alley: But I’ll be disqualified!
Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Out of commission!
This inspired me to do a post about all the cheesy “Tiger Beat-esque” posters my sister and I had on our bedroom walls when we were kids.
Of course there was cutie patootie, Ralph!
My sister, Karey, had this poster (and it was huge!) hanging over her bed. She may kill me for saying this, but I seem to remember her kissing it goodnight on a few occasions. Bwaaahhahaha! (Don’t worry, I am sure she will find a way to get me back for that.)
Or I could just do it for her, by showing you was an enormous fucking dork I was as a kid. It’s no wonder I didn’t kiss anyone until I was eighteen.
Yes. It’s true. While I may come across as the cool, hip, progressive thinking mom, underneath it all I have been hiding the dirty secret of once having a rainbow laden unicorn poster on my wall. Mumma Boo, you may have to wait on that answer about the hippo shit story. There is only so much shame one can share in such a short amount of time.
Although, I do think the fact that Tom and Kelly (we’re on a first name basis) were hanging next to it, may have evened things out a bit. Sort of like nerd-cancellation.
Next up we have the token Don Johnson, wearing all white, standing in the ocean poster. I can name very few girls, ranging in age from 10 -14 in the 1980′s, that didn’t have this poster on their wall.
It’s nice to know that mothers around the world were allowing their young, impressionable girls to almost glance Don’s Johnson. You totally looked at his penis, just now, didn’t you?
Then there was good o’ Kirk Cameron. Sigh…
One time when my other sister, Jenn, and I knew Karey was bringing a boy to the house, we went and stuck super maxi pads all over the eyes of her posters. Hahaha! Oh the crazy things you do as a kid! We had rebel written all over us!
Now every time I see him I hear “He’s got Super Kotex eyes!” a la
Kim Carnes in my mind.
And last but definitely not least, my favorite, Captain EO. We’re sending out, a major love.
I went to Disneyland this last August with my husband and two girlfriends (Right on! Foursome! What’s up Annie and Amber!) and we saw this when we were there. Holy shit. It was lame. I loved it!
Kind of makes me wonder what sort of things Rocket will put up on his walls when he gets older. Can’t wait to find out!
I thought I would be able to just pick up right where I left off, but I have had the hardest time thinking about what I would write about. I started off thinking I would use one of my favorite things, the blog meme. But then I thought, no, Sus, you do those too much. Then I thought, maybe I could ask people to submit questions for me to answer as a way to catch up. Again, I thought, Sus, how the hell is that any different from doing a blog meme? You are still just answering a list of questions.
And then it came to me! Why don’t I just say, “Fuck it!” and do both! That’s just how I roll. When I cop out, I cop out big. I’m not one to half ass my laziness. I go all the way….or something like that.
On to the meme!
What was your favorite food when you were a child? Same thing it is now. Spaghetti. Love it!
What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod? Firework by Katy Perry.
This is mostly Ollie’s doing. He loves this song and insists we listen to it every time we get in the car to go somewhere. When the song ends he announces from his carseat, “Mommy, that was a great song!”
What is one of your favorite quotes? Currently, the quote comes from my husband. It was said while he was flipping through the program of our niece’s school play.
“Which one of these pages tell me when we can get the fuck out of here.”
What’s your favorite indoor/outdoor activity?
Well first, I like to be indoors, and then I like to go outdoors. Then I go back in, and then back out. And then back in again. It’s kind of like being a clownfish.
What chore do you absolutely hate doing? Vacuuming. Hands down. No question.
What is your favorite form of exercise? The kind that only takes 20 minutes.
What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
9:00AM – I have usually showered by that time and am ready to take on the day.
Thursday – This is the day I go have coffee and hang out with the girls. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I would probably lose my mind without this time with them. And Ollie loves to play with their kids, as well, so it is a win win all around.
August – It’s my birthday and anniversary month. Need I say more?
What’s your least favorite mode of transportation? Piggyback ride.
What is your favorite body part? My middle finger. At least that is what I am guessing, since I like to show it off so much.
What sound do you love? Ollie’s hysterical laughter.
Which celebrity do you get mistaken for? I live in a town where no celebrity would ever be. So by that fact alone, I am never mistaken for anyone. Sometimes, not even for myself.
What do you want to be when you grow up? An artist.
When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time? I paint, read, clean, and nap. Yes that is all in the same 30 minutes.
What would you name the autobiography of your life? “Shazaam, Shazaam, Shazaam! But That Ain’t My Finger!”
What songs are included on the soundtrack to your life? So many to choose but we will just stick with four for now.
Personal History Questions
Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best? Absolutely. Losing my job. I could never have guessed how precious this time with Ollie would be.
What was one of the best parties you’ve ever been to? Girl, all the parties I go to are amazing.
What was the last movie, TV show or book that made you cry or tear up?
Movie – Garden State.
TV Show – Chopped, on the Food Network. Damn onions.
Book – Incendiary by Chris Cleave. Incredible.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? Not slapped the employee at the Hot Dog on a Stick counter.
*Interesting side note: Has anyone ever seen a male Hot Dog on a Stick employee? I never have and frankly, don’t want to. Could you imagine a guy in those little nasty blue polyester shorts they have to wear? Gaaaww. Gives me the creeps. Plus the lemonade making wouldn’t be nearly as hot.*
What was the last experience that made you a stronger person? Having a kid. Definitely.
What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? Mouthed off. Of all the times I can remember getting into trouble, it is because I had some snide little remark to add, under my breath.
When was the last time you had an amazing meal? April 2009 in Las Vegas at Morton’s The Steakhouse.
What do you miss most about being a kid? Midnight runs to the 7-11. I know I can do that now, but it’s just not the same.
What is your first memory of being really excited? Going to Disneyland for the first time with my family.
What was the first thing you bought with your own money? Bad by Michael Jackson on cassette, thank you very much! (I am assuming they are looking for something substantial. Otherwise the answer would be candy.)
When was the last time you were nervous? I don’t even remember. I am sure it was something recent, but it must not have been that big of a deal since I can’t recall what it was.
What is something you learned in the last week? How much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
What story does your family always tell about you? The time a hippo shit on me at the zoo. Apparently this gem is going in the annals of our family history.
At what age did you become an adult?
I’ll get back to you on that one.
Now it’s your turn!
Anything you have been wondering about? Have a burning question you would like to get off your chest? Post it in the comments and I will answer these next Monday.
In the meantime, I will try really hard to post something meaningful and life changing.