Your Aunt Becky Has Some Questions For You!

Yes, it’s true! Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka is interviewing each and every lovely reader willing to answer her. So, of course, I am playing along. But wait! There’s more! She is also giving away a book to a random person who participates in the interviewing process.

Are you telling me that I get to answer a questionnaire AND I may win a book?! Well slap my ass and call me Susie.

Mommy Wants Vodka

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?

Do they have the potential to prevent my ice cream from EVER MELTING?

2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?

“Moist.”

Gross. Just say it.

“Moist.”

See.

Gross.

3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?

Peppermint

4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?

This question assumes that I actually do chores that regularly. But if I had to pick something I would say: changin’ the tickin’ in Ma and Pa’s mattress. (Is it just me or does the word “chore” start the theme song to Little House on the Prairie in your head?)

5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)

Jimmy Two Boobs

6) You’re stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?

Muse, Billy Holiday, Eric Satie, Michael Jackson, and Peter Gabriel

7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?

Absolutely true.

8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?

Don’t be so afraid of failing.

Advertisements

In Which I Steal for My Own Entertainment.

Call me a klepto, but I just stole my titling style from Badass Geek and I am now going to steal an idea for a post from Maggie over at Mind of a Mad Woman. It’s alright, though. They’re cool.

It’s been a while since I entertained you with one of these zany surveys. (That’s right. I said, “Zany.” I am bringing all the classics back into popularity, along with “hogwash,” and “poo skid.” Ok, maybe that last one wasn’t popular, worldwide, but it sure got a lot of use around the house when I was a kid.)

But I digress…on to the questions!

1.Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?

Probably say something like, “Huh. No shit,” as we hear about it on the news. I have no idea of the whereabouts of my exes and, frankly, don’t care.

2.Your best friend tells you she’s pregnant. What is your reaction?

I would be overjoyed! And then I would call her a dirty whore and spank her butt.

3.When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

Wow. I actually can’t think if anything. This is surprising. Usually I want to clock at least one person, each day. Huh. I need to get out more. My “bitch slap jar” seems to be getting low.

4.Congratulations! You just had a son. What’s his name?

Hubert Cumberdale

5.Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What’s her name?

Cornelia Bilyana Vilhelmina

6.What are you craving right now?

Peppermint Bark from Costco. That shit is Christmas Crack! Also, a pulled pork sandwich from Sugar House BBQ.

7.What was the last thing you cried about?

Some episode of Extreme Home Makeover. Damn show gets me every time.

8.When you buy something and your change is a penny. Do you keep it?

Depends on my mood. Usually if the person helping me is a dick, I just tell them to shove it up their ass keep it. I don’t want to talk to them any longer than I have to.

9.What color is your tissue box?

I don’t know. What color is your pod bag?

10.Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?

I’m not sure…I can’t tell through all the dust.

11.What is the last voicemail you received about?

My mom inviting us to dinner.

12.Scariest thing you’ve experienced in the last year?

Taking home a newborn, knowing that we were solely responsible for its survival.

13.Have you ever had a garage sale?

I have been a part of a family garage sale, but have never been in charge of one, myself. I will say that I puchased one of my favorite possessions at a garage sale. A press kit for the band Menudo, complete with 8X10 glossy. (Remember when they were on Silver Spoons and they came riding in on the Ricker’s train, in all their latin glory? Sweet.)

14.What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

I’m not sure. It’s been a long damn time. I would have to guess it was something with Vodka.

15.Are you happy right now?

Why yes, I am. Thanks for asking!

16.Who came over last?

A whole slew of people.

17.Do you drink beer?

I drink beer of the rooted kind.

18.Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

Pssshhh, this happened weekly. I would just tell them that two trains collided and they fell out of a hobo’s butt.

19.Dark or light jeans?

If they are on fire, then definitely light. Otherwise, dark.

20.What was the last movie you watched at home?

The Sons of Katie Elder. I loves me a good John Wayne movie.

21.What is in your pocket?

Alanis Morrisette’s other hand.

22.Who introduced you to your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Our friend Chad, who was later my maid of honor at our wedding.

23.Where do you hurt?

Your face.

24.What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?

I fucking HATE Wal-Mart.

25.When is your birthday?

August

26.What are you going to do after this?

Run naked through the streets.

27.Who was the last person you went shopping with?

Jeremy. We just bought Rocket a new car seat.

28.What about your favorite dessert?

What about it? You got a problem with my favorite dessert?!

29.Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?

Yes. I have a second cousin who is also named Susan. And my middle name is my mom’s name.

30.Do you like pickles?

Hell yes. But only Kosher Dill. All other pickles can suck it.

31.Is someone in love with you?

I sure hope so.

32.What color is your couch?

Celadon.

33.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?

When we were kids, my cousin and I looked remarkable similar and were often mistaken for twins. We have since outgrown our “Patty Duke Syndrome.”

34.Does someone like you right now?

It’s possible.

35.Do you know anyone in jail/prison?

Not yet. Working on it.

36.Who was the last person to send you a text message?

I think it was my sister, but I don’t recall. I don’t text message, if you can believe it.

37.How many hours did you sleep for last night?

In a row? Four. Total…six.

38.Do you swear at your parents?

I don’t swear at them, but I do swear around them. My mom was captain of the SS Pottymouth.

39.Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Absolutely. You’re thinking about me right now. I can tell.

40.What is the last thing you spent money on?

Chick-fil-a. Yum!

41.Name one thing no one can ever take away from you?

The memory of all that.

42.What is the last thing you ate that had onions in it?

Nothing. I am not a fan.

43.Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?

Also, not a fan.

44.The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you have to say to them?

Cunt.

45.Have you ever blocked someone on Myspace before?

Never had a need to. My stint with MySpace was very brief.

46.Do you wear a name tag at work?

No, but I just may start.

47.What color is your iPod?

My iPod Mini is white and my iPod Touch is black.

48.What is your favorite key chain on your keys?

I have up to no key chains on my keys. When I see people with a wad a shit on their key, it makes me want to beat them in the face with it, especially when they twirl it around. Stop it. Stop it, right now.

49.Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?

Definitely fail.

50.What were you doing at midnight last night?

Sleeping. That’s the party animal I am.

The Yes’s, Nos, Maybes, and It’s None of Your Damn Businesses

THE CANS:

Can you blow a bubble?
Yes, with gum, spit, and soap, but not with tar, meatloaf, shoestrings, or llamas.

Can you dance?
I could once, but then I became so fed up with rhythm.

Can you do a cart wheel?
With or without hands?

Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?
Probably. I’ve never tried.

Can you touch your toes?
With my forehead. (Hey, you never said I had to keep my legs straight.)

Can you wiggle your ears?
Yep. At the same time and individually.

Can you wiggle your nose?
Yeah, but strange things seem to happen every time I do.

THE DIDS:

Did you ever get into a fist fight in school?
Only with myself. I lost.

Did you ever run away from home?
No. Where the hell would I go?

Did you ever want to be a doctor?
If by doctor you mean artist, then yes.

Did you ever want to be a fire fighter?
I thought I did, but then I realized that I just liked spraying things off with a hose.

44 Random

1. Do you like blue cheese?
In the trash, yes. In my mouth, no.

2. Have you ever been drunk?
Yes, but that was a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.

3. Do you own a gun?
I owned a hot glue gun, once.

4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?
The kind that required the addition of one cup of sugar.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Not usually. Depends on what it is for.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

  • They are not of this planet
  • I prefer them on a bun with ketchup only
  • They would not make a good weapon
  • They should never be used as the meat in enchiladas

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
Twas the Night Before Christmas

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee, milk, soda, whatever is on hand.

9. Can you do push ups?
Yeah. On your face.

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring.

11. Favorite hobby?
Reading, punching midgets, laughing at people falling down.

12. Do you have A.D.D.?
I don’t even know what…hey look a chicken!

13. What’s your favorite shoe?
The right one.

14. Middle name?
Diane

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1) I need a drink.
2) We should go to Barnes and Noble.
3) Itsy Bitsy Spider crawled up the water spout.

16. Name 3 things you regularly drink?
Milk, Diet Dr Pepper, Coffee

17. Current worry?
My boys. Want them to be happy, you know.

18. Current hate right now?
Choo Choo Soul

Seriously, what the fuck?

19. pepsi or coke?
Coke. Pepsi blows.

20. How did you ring in the New Year?
Rockin’ out with the family.

21. Where would you like to go?
You read this blog…take a wild guess.

22. Name three people who will complete this?
Your mom, your mom and your mom.

23. Do you own slippers?
Only for the purpose of swatting people across the face.

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Pink

25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
Gross.

26. Can you whistle?
Let me just say, the Scorpions would be proud.

27. Favorite color?
Red

28. Would you be a pirate?
Don’t you mean, “Wood”? HAHAHAHA. Argh, she be a quick one, mateys!

29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
Personal narrations about what I am doing, to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

30. Favorite Girl’s Name?
Couldn’t say.

31. Favorite boy’s name?
Oliver, of course.

32. What’s in your pocket right now?
One hand.

33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Oliver doing his spazztic hip thrust dance.

34. Best bed sheets as a child?
The ones that my mommy washed for me.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had as a child?
I crushed my forehead against a steel bar and had to get stitches.

36. Do you love where you live?
Yes I do.

37. What did you want to be when you grew up?
An animator for Disney.

38. Who is your loudest friend?
Heather, definitely.

39. How many dogs do you have?
Not a one. And that’s the way it shall stay.

40. Does someone have a crush on you?
Besides, my husband? Doubt it.

41. What is your favorite book?
Siddhartha – Hermann Hesse

42. What is your favorite candy?
Toss up between Butterfinger, Sixlets, or Watchamacallit.

Which reminds me…one time when we were kids, my brother asked if I wanted him to get me a candy bar on his trip to Seven-Eleven.

Me: Yes, I would.

Pete: OK, what kind?

Me: A Watchamacallit.

Pete: I don’t know what that is.

Me: It’s a candy bar.

Pete: No shit. What’s its name?

Me: Watchamacallit.

Pete: JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS!

Me: Just go to the Sev and see what you can come up with.

I really wasn’t trying to be a dickhead difficult, despite what Pete may have thought.

43. Favorite sports team?
Um….yeah….

44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Candle in the Wind – The Princess Di Version or She’s Like the Wind by Patrick Swayze.

How Well Does He Know Me?

I sent this survey to Jer and was shocked by how accurate his answers were. He knows me inside and out!

Where did we meet? Two trains collided and we each fell out of hobo’s butts.

Take a stab at my middle name? If I did your mother would be a fucking goner.

Do I speak a second language? Yes, three second languages.

Am I a cat lover or dog lover? You’re a bone lover, does that count.

Color of my eyes? That would depend on which pen you are using.

Do I have any siblings? I am almost positive you have none by blood.

What’s one of my favorite things to do? Go to The Home Depot with your husband.

What’s my favorite type of music? Zydeco

Am I taller than you? You are wider than me. So THERE!

Am I shy or outgoing? Totally outgoing.

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? You are actually part of The Empire.

What is my birth month? It took you a whole month to get out of the womb? Fucking slacker.

Have you ever heard me sing? No. You open your mouth sometimes and these strange noises come out but I have never heard you sing, no. Ask Simon he will give it to you straight up.

How many children do I have? I hope to God just the one but I really don’t know for sure.

Have we taken photographs together? No, you are always behind the camera.

When is the last time you saw me? Just now. I just looked. I just looked again. You can’t see me though.

When will I see you again? I just fucking said you can’t see me!

Have we ever had a falling out? I have hung my dick out. Is that the same thing?

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I would bring? More land attached to the island so we could get the fuck out of there because you would be way too bored.

Am I right handed or left handed? It doesn’t matter what hand you use.

What type of work do I do? Jobs. Hand Jobs. Blow Jobs. Foot Jobs. Jobs.

Friday Fidgeting

While I am trying to get reconnected with work, I figured I would play this little game.

1 – Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random… Read More”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 – Go to “Random quotations”
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3 – Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 – Use photoshop or similar to put it all together

Hmmm…I smell a Grammy in my future!

What’s In a Name

I stole this from my lovely friend, Heather, of Zen Goddess fame.

1. YOUR SPY NAME (middle name and current street name)

Diane Thomas

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grandfather/mother on your dad’s side and your favorite candy):

Corrine Butterfinger

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name and first 3,4 or 5 letters of your last name):

S-Chi

4. YOUR GAMERTAG (a favorite color, a favorite animal)

Red Koala

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, and city you were born in:

Diane Santa Barbara

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother’s maiden name, first three letters of your pet’s name)

Chiuke

7. JEDI NAME (middle name spelled backwards, your mom’s maiden name spelled backwards

Enaid Ekul

8. PORN STAR NAME (first pet’s name, the street you grew up on):

Pika Connor

9. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The”, your favorite color and the automobile your dad drives)

The Red Dodge

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate)

Jamie Cake