Spransy Quote of the Day

“Maybe you guys shouldn’t have another kid. Oliver is so brilliant, it’s like he took up all of your good genes. If you had another one, they’d probably end up being a dumb shit.”

-said during a conversation with my mom.

Half An Elephant’s Gestational Period.

Nine months. That’s how long it has been since I was posting regularly.

Nine whole months!

Hmmm, which means that Ollie was only 17 months old when I stopped. Do you realize how much can happen with a kid in that time frame? MInd-boggling growth!! He went from a teetering, tentative toddler, who could recall the name of a few people and objects, to a full blown couch diving, running full speed ahead, “I want to tackle, Daddy!” boy!

And the language on this kid! Talk about being skipper of the S.S. Pottymouth! Just kidding; that isn’t actually true, although we have had some pretty funny incidents when he has repeated some phrases that he probably shouldn’t say. LIke the time Jeremy stated firmly, “This is BULLSHIT!” about something that wasn’t working the way he wanted, only to have Ollie start marching up and down the stairs chanting, “BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT,” the whole time. Or the time when I jammed my finger on his car seat and shortly after heard his sweet voice say, “Son of bitsh, mommy!” (In case you are wondering, yes, we did laugh our asses off…silently and out of view. Jeremy was able to keep it together in front of Ollie, but as we know from my lack of a “that’s not funny face,” I had to leave the room.)

Alright, I am just going to come out and say what I am sure every parent thinks about their child.

My kid is a goddamn genius.

He “reads” aloud (I am pretty sure it is just from memory at the moment) “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by Eric Carle, “The Little Engine That Could!” by Watty Piper, and “Bears,” by Maurice Sendak. CUTEST. THING. EVER!! I have it on video and as soon as I can upload it to my computer I will post it here for you. I am telling you, you will want to lay down a tarp first because your heart is going to melt all over your feet.

You know the best part about a kid who is wanting to learn new words and phrases? You can get them to repeat the funniest shit! No, I am not talking about the profanity. As funny as I said that would be, I didn’t actually want him to do it at such a young age. Do I care if Oliver swears? Not really, I just want him to understand that there is a time and a place for it. Anyways, what I am talking about are phrases that you WANT him to repeat.

Here are some of the family favorites:

“Hey! What the deuce?!”
“Douchebag”
“Hey sucka! You gotta big fat floop flo!”

I may just have to upgrade my wordpress account so that I can start posting the audio clips I have of all of these. He has the most darling little voice!

In addition to his new language skills, he can identify every letter of the alphabet in both the lower and upper case forms. He can also identify numbers 0 – 10, and he can count to 17 on his own and higher, if coaxed. He knows every color of the rainbow and more. And on top of all that, he can point out a circle, triangle, square, diamond, oval, crescent, octagon, rectangle, and star. When we are out running errands he likes to point these out as we come across them. A trip to the store would not be complete without hearing, “Mommy, wook! A byyooo stah!” or “Hey, mommy, wook! A lellow soh-cle!”

When you repeat back what he said, “Oh you saw a yellow circle?!”, he nods his little head and says, “Oh. Wight.”

Oh but guess what?! There is an added bonus that comes with all this new found language. Something in the fine print that they don’t tell you about, up front.

Tantrums. Screaming, flailing, seeming to never end, tantrums.

It’s funny how five minutes can feel like hours when the phrase, “MOMMY, NO!” is being repeated at the top of a two year old’s lungs.

Let’s be clear on one thing, though. I will not tolerate anyone saying my son is in “the terrible twos.” I hate that phrase. I hate the message it sends. Even during the times when he is in full blown meltdown, it’s not terrible. I know and understand the multiple reasons why he is doing this. On one hand it has got to be a pain in the ass to want to communicate so badly and to have everyone tell you they can’t understand what you are saying. I would get pissed, too. That in no way means that I condone this behavior at all, and he is disciplined when he is rude or belligerent to myself or Jeremy. I am just saying, I get it. I also get that he is figuring out his boundaries and pushing us to see what he can get away with, to see where the line has been drawn. Again, fine, but you step too far over that line and there are consequences.

But, truth be told, it sucks. I know it is just a phase and one that I hope is over, quickly. I hate getting mad at this face. Breaks my heart.

Show me that smile again. (Show me that smile) Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.

The other day while having coffee with my dear friends, Rachel and Dawni, we got on the topic of the new season of Dancing with the Stars. Now while I have never been a fan of this show, I had to admit that I am totally stoked that the Karate Kid himself is going to be in this season’s cast!

I have this fantasy playing out in my mind that I can only hope happens on the show.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Sweep the leg, Kirstie.
Kirstie Alley: But I’ll be disqualified!
Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Out of commission!

This inspired me to do a post about all the cheesy “Tiger Beat-esque” posters my sister and I had on our bedroom walls when we were kids.

Of course there was cutie patootie, Ralph!

My sister, Karey, had this poster (and it was huge!) hanging over her bed. She may kill me for saying this, but I seem to remember her kissing it goodnight on a few occasions. Bwaaahhahaha! (Don’t worry, I am sure she will find a way to get me back for that.)

Or I could just do it for her, by showing you was an enormous fucking dork I was as a kid. It’s no wonder I didn’t kiss anyone until I was eighteen.

Yes. It’s true. While I may come across as the cool, hip, progressive thinking mom, underneath it all I have been hiding the dirty secret of once having a rainbow laden unicorn poster on my wall. Mumma Boo, you may have to wait on that answer about the hippo shit story. There is only so much shame one can share in such a short amount of time.

Although, I do think the fact that Tom and Kelly (we’re on a first name basis) were hanging next to it, may have evened things out a bit. Sort of like nerd-cancellation.

Next up we have the token Don Johnson, wearing all white, standing in the ocean poster. I can name very few girls, ranging in age from 10 -14 in the 1980’s, that didn’t have this poster on their wall.

It’s nice to know that mothers around the world were allowing their young, impressionable girls to almost glance Don’s Johnson. You totally looked at his penis, just now, didn’t you?

Then there was good o’ Kirk Cameron. Sigh…

One time when my other sister, Jenn, and I knew Karey was bringing a boy to the house, we went and stuck super maxi pads all over the eyes of her posters. Hahaha! Oh the crazy things you do as a kid! We had rebel written all over us!

Now every time I see him I hear “He’s got Super Kotex eyes!” a la
Kim Carnes in my mind.

And last but definitely not least, my favorite, Captain EO. We’re sending out, a major love.

I went to Disneyland this last August with my husband and two girlfriends (Right on! Foursome! What’s up Annie and Amber!) and we saw this when we were there. Holy shit. It was lame. I loved it!

Kind of makes me wonder what sort of things Rocket will put up on his walls when he gets older. Can’t wait to find out!

I Wonder How Long of a Title WordPress Will Allow Me to Create? Hmmm, So Far It Looks Like It Can Be as Long as I Want It to Be. Awesome.

Sorry about that. I was curious to see what I could get away with as far as a post title was concerned. Maybe one time, just for shits and giggles, I will publish my entire post as my title. Yeah. Probably not. But maybe I just might. You never know.

I like to keep you people on your toes.

So.

Why have I been so neglectful of this blog? Several reasons, but the biggest and most important reason is that I have been spending quality time with Rocket. Time is moving at a RAPID pace when it comes to my little guy (Ok, not so little. He has moved right out of babyhood and dived head first into toddler) and I fear that before I know it he will be driving away with his panties in a wad (my husband is yelling in his mind, “BOYS DON’T WEAR PANTIES!!”) because I made him stay home and eat dinner with the family instead of going to the movies with his friends.

Yes, I will be that kind of mom. The mom who wants to instill in her kids that family comes first no matter what. The mom who believes in the importance of family dinners, of spending time together playing games and going on trips (no, I am not talking about week long trips to Disneyland, I am talking about the last minute camping trips to a locale a mere 10 miles from your home or even in your own backyard). The mom who goes to all the parent teacher conferences and knows how her child is doing in school. The mom who yells, “I LOVE YOU!!!” out the car window to her embarrassed teenager in the hopes that, even though he is humiliated, deep down he knows and feels the same way.

My parents did an OUTSTANDING job when it came to instilling these values in their kids. My best friends are my sisters and brother and my parents. My parents were very young when they were married and had all of us. Because of this we basically grew up together (to put it in perspective, my mom and dad are 53, my older sister is 34, I am 32, my brother is 30 and my sister is 29), and this resulted in a closeness that I have never witnessed in any other family. We still get together weekly or more to have dinner or to just hang out. (Well most of us. I hate that my youngest sister, Jenn, lives clear across the US. Do you hear that Jennifer Jennifer Crotch Crotch? Move closer!!)

I don’t know if I have said this on my blog before, but I LOVE being a mom. I love it more than I can say. I love it to the point of heartbreak, if that makes any sense. I find myself brought to tears on many occasions from the joy and miraculous wonder that Oliver is. I gives thanks daily for being blessed with such an incredible little boy.

I have been painting. Not alot, but I have finished four paintings in the past few months.

It’s a start that I am quite proud of and hope to continue. We hung a series of twenty paintings that I did a couple years ago, in our livingroom, and I hope that this will keep me inspired to continue painting.

I have also been working on project Brain Work, although it is not going as quickly as I thought it would. I am a little behind on my schedule to read all those books in three years. I just finished “The Postman Always Rings Twice,” by James M. Cain. It wasn’t bad. I am not really sure why it was in the top 100 books of fiction, and I am pretty sure this won’t be the last time I feel this way. I do think the title was very clever as a way of saying that you will get what’s coming to you.

So next up is “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man,” by James Joyce. Another update to come!

Spransy Quote of the Day

While at my parent’s house, having dinner last night, we heard a strange scraping outside. Realizing that it is the neighbors shoveling the walk, my mom goes to the fridge and grabs a bottle of sparkling cider to give to them in thanks.

As she is walking to the door, my brother, Pete, says,”Break it across the handle of the shovel. Bon voy ya missed a spot!”

A Year of Oliver

Today our little Rocket turns one! This has been one of the greatest and most challenging years of my life and I wouldn’t change one minute of it. He is more amazing than we could have ever imagined.

Happy birthday, Ollie! We love you!

Then

Now

Everyday Life – Family Photo

Remember When…?

Remember when I said that I hoped to pass my love of reading onto Rocket? I think my dream has already come true! He LOVES being read to. He will actually dig a book out from the bottom of his toy box, crawl over to where you are, and hold the book in your face as he is climbing onto your lap. Then he will sit there, forever, while you read book after book after book to him. Sometimes when he is playing by himself, he will grab a few books and look through them over and over. If the book is upside down, he will even correct its orientation so that he is reading it the right way. How funny is that!

Remember when Oliver had two teeth? He now has twice that amount. A third came in on the bottom and recently a top tooth has made its entrance into the world. He likes to click his bottom teeth against his top tooth, and his face is so damn cute when he does it.

Remember when I said I stopped using that bullshit Babywise method? Well, for the past month or so, I have been doing pretty much everything that that book said we should absolutely not do. Like feeding your baby to sleep, and going into their room to comfort them everytime they fussed, etc. etc. And you know what? It’s fucking working!! For the past week Rocket hasn’t cried at all when we have put him to bed for the night. AAAAANNNNDDD for the past three days he has slept from about 8PM straight through until 7AM. (I believe!! Halelujiah!!) So if anyone ever hands you this book and tells you it worked wonders for them, calmly take it from their hands and then SLAP THEM REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE WITH IT. Babywise, my ass.

Spransy Quote of the Weekend – Portland Style

This weekend Jeremy, my parent’s, and I went to Portland. These are some of the choice things heard during that trip.

*Said while driving into the parking lot of our hotel*
Mom: Get out of the way, dickhead.

Dad: Sir, your head looks like a dick.

*Said while on the way to The Grotto, The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother*
Mom: This sanctuary better be serene or I’m going to be fucking pissed.

*Said while relating a past banana split experience*
Dad: I ordered a banana split once, and when I reached the end I realized there was no freaking banana! When I told the waitress she said, ‘Do you want me to bring you a banana?’ No! You can take that banana and shove it up your banana shove space!

*Said after Jer expressed concern over setting the dirty stroller wheels on my mom’s sweater*
Dad: It wouldn’t be the first time my dirty wheels have been on that sweater.

*Said in defense of his earlier comments*
Dad: I don’t say things that are dirty, I make innuendos. I just follow it up by saying I don’t know what that means.

Me: Right, because that makes it ok.

Dad: Hey, “dirty wheels” isn’t dirty.

Me: It is when you say it.

The Ins and Outs

As of yesterday, Oliver has officially been out of my womb for as long as he was in it. Yep, Ollie’s 9 months old!! That’s only three months away from a year old. How did that happen?! In just three short months, I will have a one year old. I will stop referring to him in months when asked his age. (Perhaps not, though. I may continue doing this until he is at least out of high school. * Hypothetical Conversation* Oliver: “Mom, can I go out with (insert name of hot chick here) on Saturday?” Me: “Absolutely not, young man. Not until you are at least 192 months old!”)

I know my posts have become few and far between. You don’t have to tell me that. And why, you ask, have my blogging efforts become so fleeting? Let me tell you.

I apparently gave birth to a mountain goat-cheetah hybrid.

Oliver went from crawling to climbing, pulling himself up, and cruising all over everything in less than a month. Jeremy and I have been removed from our position as, “mom” and “dad,” and are now lovingly referred to as, “jungle” and “gym.” And our house would be the photo featured next to the article titled, “Not Childproof.” I am constantly pulling him away from the stairs, my books, the TV. He just barely missed dropping a toy inside one of our speakers before Jeremy caught him. It has been a nonstop project of moving CDs, blocking off areas to play in, shoving plastic covers into electrical outlets, and removing treasured novels from his lightening fast little mitts, before he completely destroys them.

Fortunately there is the other side of life with Oliver. The side where we are watching him learn and discover and grow, and not almost light himself on fire or snort that last line of coke. (I KID, I KID!) These are some of the recent skills he has attained:

  • Using the light switch to turn the lights on and off.
  • Feeding himself cheerios, small banana chunks, and whatever else he find on the floor before I catch him.
  • Pulling himself to a standing position, against the ottoman, where he chills out for a relaxing, educational episode of WordWorld.
  • Throwing his sippy cup on to the floor and laughing after mommy picks it up again and again AND AGAIN.
  • Flipping himself upside-down any chance he gets. He’s our little dare devil!
  • Turning the pages of his books when you read to him, which he loves! He will sit for hours (Or so I would guess. One can only read Dr. Seuss and PD Eastman for so long.) while you read to him.
  • Stretching his arms over his head when I say the phrase, “Sooooo big!”

Sadly, however, Oliver has stopped sleeping through the night. I think he is going through a serious, “OH MY GOD! MOMMY, DON’T LEAVE ME!” phase. He will only sleep in two hour stretches unless I am holding him or he is sleeping in our bed. So, one could say, it has been a rough, sleepless few months. If anyone has any pointers or suggestions, I am all ears. I started out using the Babywise method, but decided to tell that book and its philosophies to go fuck itself. I was really tired of listening to Oliver scream himself to sleep every night and hated that I had wasted all those months when I could have, nay SHOULD HAVE, been rocking him to sleep. So now we are back at square one. Oye vey.

Things with my past job have finally come to a close, so I am now free to speak about that. Back in April, the company I was working for, eliminated my postion and replaced it with a part-time in the office position. As you may recall I was working from home so that we didn’t have to put Ollie in daycare. The two main reasons for avoiding daycare, I think anyone could guess.

1. It’s expensive as fuck.
2. We don’t want some 18 year old floozy raising our child during his fundamental years. We’ll save the floozy for later.

Anyways, long story short, they offered me the part-time position, which I declined. First of all, working FULL-TIME, my entire paycheck would have gone to paying for daycare. How in the hell did you expect me to pay for daycare on half the pay and no benefits. Go suck a goat. So, after we parted ways (on very good terms, I might add! My boss even offered to give me a good reference if needed. This fact will be important later on.), I immediately applied for unemployment.

Well, I was denied. Why, do you ask? Because my employer told Workforce Services that I was fired!! WH-WH-WHAAT?!!! I was furious!! Okay, actually I was more disgusted than anything. My boss is a bishop in the Mormon religion (that’s a very important calling, for those not in the know. Equivalent to a priest or a rabbi, I would believe.), and he flat out lied. I was flabbergasted. Of course, I appealed their decision, went through the whole court hearing shebang and DA DA DA DA!!! was denied yet again. So whatever, fuck them, I don’t care anymore, moving on.

I love being able to stay home with Oliver. It has definitely been an adjustment becoming a single income family, but we are making it work. And I can’t express enough to Jeremy how grateful I am that he is taking on such a huge burden to enable me to stay home to raise our son. It means more to me than he will ever know. Truth be told, I don’t miss working for that place at. all. It was “punch yourself in the face to pass the time” boring. However, it was not all bad. The pay was nice and the perks were fantastic. I received various awards and merchandise. Some of the kickass things I received were my Nikon D40 camera, my iPod Touch, Jeremy’s iPod Nano, our Playstation 3, and Jeremy’s Skycaddie. So that part of the job we will definitely miss. The rest of it….go shove it up your ass.

On a happier note, Jeremy and I just had our 5 year anniversary! It’s seems like we just got married. Time is just screaming by these days. I have loved every day I have been with Jeremy. He is my rock, my knight in shining armor, the Marshall to my Lily. I love you, baby!!

That picture is from our recent trip to Zions. And, no, you are not seeing things. My hair is gone. Short. I love it!! I had reached my limit of the amount of hair I was willing to have ripped out by a curious little boy. I will grow it back in the future, but for now, I am totally digging it. And I was able to donate almost two feet of hair to Locks of Love. So that was pretty sweet.

I will try to write a bit more frequently, but for now here is another picture of the reason most of you come to this blog (don’t try back-peddling, I’m on to you….) Until next time!