Spransy Quote of the Day

“Maybe you guys shouldn’t have another kid. Oliver is so brilliant, it’s like he took up all of your good genes. If you had another one, they’d probably end up being a dumb shit.”

-said during a conversation with my mom.

Pinch Me, And I Punch Your Face.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, everyone!!

Everyday Life – Papa, I Wanna F’y!

This amazing photo was taken by my friend, Kim Silcox. She is an incredible photographer!

Show me that smile again. (Show me that smile) Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.

The other day while having coffee with my dear friends, Rachel and Dawni, we got on the topic of the new season of Dancing with the Stars. Now while I have never been a fan of this show, I had to admit that I am totally stoked that the Karate Kid himself is going to be in this season’s cast!

I have this fantasy playing out in my mind that I can only hope happens on the show.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Sweep the leg, Kirstie.
Kirstie Alley: But I’ll be disqualified!
Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Out of commission!

This inspired me to do a post about all the cheesy “Tiger Beat-esque” posters my sister and I had on our bedroom walls when we were kids.

Of course there was cutie patootie, Ralph!

My sister, Karey, had this poster (and it was huge!) hanging over her bed. She may kill me for saying this, but I seem to remember her kissing it goodnight on a few occasions. Bwaaahhahaha! (Don’t worry, I am sure she will find a way to get me back for that.)

Or I could just do it for her, by showing you was an enormous fucking dork I was as a kid. It’s no wonder I didn’t kiss anyone until I was eighteen.

Yes. It’s true. While I may come across as the cool, hip, progressive thinking mom, underneath it all I have been hiding the dirty secret of once having a rainbow laden unicorn poster on my wall. Mumma Boo, you may have to wait on that answer about the hippo shit story. There is only so much shame one can share in such a short amount of time.

Although, I do think the fact that Tom and Kelly (we’re on a first name basis) were hanging next to it, may have evened things out a bit. Sort of like nerd-cancellation.

Next up we have the token Don Johnson, wearing all white, standing in the ocean poster. I can name very few girls, ranging in age from 10 -14 in the 1980’s, that didn’t have this poster on their wall.

It’s nice to know that mothers around the world were allowing their young, impressionable girls to almost glance Don’s Johnson. You totally looked at his penis, just now, didn’t you?

Then there was good o’ Kirk Cameron. Sigh…

One time when my other sister, Jenn, and I knew Karey was bringing a boy to the house, we went and stuck super maxi pads all over the eyes of her posters. Hahaha! Oh the crazy things you do as a kid! We had rebel written all over us!

Now every time I see him I hear “He’s got Super Kotex eyes!” a la
Kim Carnes in my mind.

And last but definitely not least, my favorite, Captain EO. We’re sending out, a major love.

I went to Disneyland this last August with my husband and two girlfriends (Right on! Foursome! What’s up Annie and Amber!) and we saw this when we were there. Holy shit. It was lame. I loved it!

Kind of makes me wonder what sort of things Rocket will put up on his walls when he gets older. Can’t wait to find out!

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!! Check it out!

I must have one.

Wake n’ Bacon

One of These Things is Not Like the Others…

This picture was included with one of the news stories on Yahoo’s home page, today. I admit, I chuckled a bit.

An Interview Featuring Moi!

Some of you may have heard of the Great Interview Experiment happening, again, over at Citizen of the Month. If not, I highly recommend checking it out. It’s a brilliant way to meet other bloggers and gain new readers.

I decided to participate again this year (in fact, I get to interview Maggie from Mind of a Mad Woman – WOOHOO!!), and have been interviewed by the lovely Maya at Strait Jackets Are Slimming. Isn’t that a fantastic blog name?!

Anyhoooo…if you have a moment, go check it out!

In Which I Steal for My Own Entertainment.

Call me a klepto, but I just stole my titling style from Badass Geek and I am now going to steal an idea for a post from Maggie over at Mind of a Mad Woman. It’s alright, though. They’re cool.

It’s been a while since I entertained you with one of these zany surveys. (That’s right. I said, “Zany.” I am bringing all the classics back into popularity, along with “hogwash,” and “poo skid.” Ok, maybe that last one wasn’t popular, worldwide, but it sure got a lot of use around the house when I was a kid.)

But I digress…on to the questions!

1.Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?

Probably say something like, “Huh. No shit,” as we hear about it on the news. I have no idea of the whereabouts of my exes and, frankly, don’t care.

2.Your best friend tells you she’s pregnant. What is your reaction?

I would be overjoyed! And then I would call her a dirty whore and spank her butt.

3.When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

Wow. I actually can’t think if anything. This is surprising. Usually I want to clock at least one person, each day. Huh. I need to get out more. My “bitch slap jar” seems to be getting low.

4.Congratulations! You just had a son. What’s his name?

Hubert Cumberdale

5.Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What’s her name?

Cornelia Bilyana Vilhelmina

6.What are you craving right now?

Peppermint Bark from Costco. That shit is Christmas Crack! Also, a pulled pork sandwich from Sugar House BBQ.

7.What was the last thing you cried about?

Some episode of Extreme Home Makeover. Damn show gets me every time.

8.When you buy something and your change is a penny. Do you keep it?

Depends on my mood. Usually if the person helping me is a dick, I just tell them to shove it up their ass keep it. I don’t want to talk to them any longer than I have to.

9.What color is your tissue box?

I don’t know. What color is your pod bag?

10.Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?

I’m not sure…I can’t tell through all the dust.

11.What is the last voicemail you received about?

My mom inviting us to dinner.

12.Scariest thing you’ve experienced in the last year?

Taking home a newborn, knowing that we were solely responsible for its survival.

13.Have you ever had a garage sale?

I have been a part of a family garage sale, but have never been in charge of one, myself. I will say that I puchased one of my favorite possessions at a garage sale. A press kit for the band Menudo, complete with 8X10 glossy. (Remember when they were on Silver Spoons and they came riding in on the Ricker’s train, in all their latin glory? Sweet.)

14.What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?

I’m not sure. It’s been a long damn time. I would have to guess it was something with Vodka.

15.Are you happy right now?

Why yes, I am. Thanks for asking!

16.Who came over last?

A whole slew of people.

17.Do you drink beer?

I drink beer of the rooted kind.

18.Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

Pssshhh, this happened weekly. I would just tell them that two trains collided and they fell out of a hobo’s butt.

19.Dark or light jeans?

If they are on fire, then definitely light. Otherwise, dark.

20.What was the last movie you watched at home?

The Sons of Katie Elder. I loves me a good John Wayne movie.

21.What is in your pocket?

Alanis Morrisette’s other hand.

22.Who introduced you to your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Our friend Chad, who was later my maid of honor at our wedding.

23.Where do you hurt?

Your face.

24.What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?

I fucking HATE Wal-Mart.

25.When is your birthday?

August

26.What are you going to do after this?

Run naked through the streets.

27.Who was the last person you went shopping with?

Jeremy. We just bought Rocket a new car seat.

28.What about your favorite dessert?

What about it? You got a problem with my favorite dessert?!

29.Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?

Yes. I have a second cousin who is also named Susan. And my middle name is my mom’s name.

30.Do you like pickles?

Hell yes. But only Kosher Dill. All other pickles can suck it.

31.Is someone in love with you?

I sure hope so.

32.What color is your couch?

Celadon.

33.Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?

When we were kids, my cousin and I looked remarkable similar and were often mistaken for twins. We have since outgrown our “Patty Duke Syndrome.”

34.Does someone like you right now?

It’s possible.

35.Do you know anyone in jail/prison?

Not yet. Working on it.

36.Who was the last person to send you a text message?

I think it was my sister, but I don’t recall. I don’t text message, if you can believe it.

37.How many hours did you sleep for last night?

In a row? Four. Total…six.

38.Do you swear at your parents?

I don’t swear at them, but I do swear around them. My mom was captain of the SS Pottymouth.

39.Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Absolutely. You’re thinking about me right now. I can tell.

40.What is the last thing you spent money on?

Chick-fil-a. Yum!

41.Name one thing no one can ever take away from you?

The memory of all that.

42.What is the last thing you ate that had onions in it?

Nothing. I am not a fan.

43.Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?

Also, not a fan.

44.The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you have to say to them?

Cunt.

45.Have you ever blocked someone on Myspace before?

Never had a need to. My stint with MySpace was very brief.

46.Do you wear a name tag at work?

No, but I just may start.

47.What color is your iPod?

My iPod Mini is white and my iPod Touch is black.

48.What is your favorite key chain on your keys?

I have up to no key chains on my keys. When I see people with a wad a shit on their key, it makes me want to beat them in the face with it, especially when they twirl it around. Stop it. Stop it, right now.

49.Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?

Definitely fail.

50.What were you doing at midnight last night?

Sleeping. That’s the party animal I am.

Of Course He Would Have a Kick Ass Birthday Cake.

We take our cake making very serious in this household.

The plan, drawn by Jeremy.

The cake.

14 layers, baby! Fourteen.

Spransy Quote of the Weekend – Portland Style

This weekend Jeremy, my parent’s, and I went to Portland. These are some of the choice things heard during that trip.

*Said while driving into the parking lot of our hotel*
Mom: Get out of the way, dickhead.

Dad: Sir, your head looks like a dick.

*Said while on the way to The Grotto, The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother*
Mom: This sanctuary better be serene or I’m going to be fucking pissed.

*Said while relating a past banana split experience*
Dad: I ordered a banana split once, and when I reached the end I realized there was no freaking banana! When I told the waitress she said, ‘Do you want me to bring you a banana?’ No! You can take that banana and shove it up your banana shove space!

*Said after Jer expressed concern over setting the dirty stroller wheels on my mom’s sweater*
Dad: It wouldn’t be the first time my dirty wheels have been on that sweater.

*Said in defense of his earlier comments*
Dad: I don’t say things that are dirty, I make innuendos. I just follow it up by saying I don’t know what that means.

Me: Right, because that makes it ok.

Dad: Hey, “dirty wheels” isn’t dirty.

Me: It is when you say it.