Spransy Quote of the Day

“Maybe you guys shouldn’t have another kid. Oliver is so brilliant, it’s like he took up all of your good genes. If you had another one, they’d probably end up being a dumb shit.”

-said during a conversation with my mom.

Spransy Quote of the Day

Did I ever mention that my parent’s nicknamed their van, “Gina”? Well anyhooo…this text message conversation took place between my dad and my brother-in-law, Henry.

Henry: We are taking your van-gina to your house.

Dad: Did you give it a douche?

Henry: Yeah, now it smells like a fart, inside.

Dad: We use FDS, not Fisherman’s Sandal.

Spransy Quote of the Day

Conversation that resulted from getting stuck behind a total moron while driving with my mom, today.

Me: Ugh, this person is a total douchewad.

Mom: He’s a douchenozzle. A douchenozzlewad. Hey isn’t that what you yell at a Jewish wedding? DOUCHENOZZLEWAD!!

Spransy Quote of the Day

While at my parent’s house, having dinner last night, we heard a strange scraping outside. Realizing that it is the neighbors shoveling the walk, my mom goes to the fridge and grabs a bottle of sparkling cider to give to them in thanks.

As she is walking to the door, my brother, Pete, says,”Break it across the handle of the shovel. Bon voy ya missed a spot!”

Spransy Quote of the Weekend – Portland Style

This weekend Jeremy, my parent’s, and I went to Portland. These are some of the choice things heard during that trip.

*Said while driving into the parking lot of our hotel*
Mom: Get out of the way, dickhead.

Dad: Sir, your head looks like a dick.

*Said while on the way to The Grotto, The National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother*
Mom: This sanctuary better be serene or I’m going to be fucking pissed.

*Said while relating a past banana split experience*
Dad: I ordered a banana split once, and when I reached the end I realized there was no freaking banana! When I told the waitress she said, ‘Do you want me to bring you a banana?’ No! You can take that banana and shove it up your banana shove space!

*Said after Jer expressed concern over setting the dirty stroller wheels on my mom’s sweater*
Dad: It wouldn’t be the first time my dirty wheels have been on that sweater.

*Said in defense of his earlier comments*
Dad: I don’t say things that are dirty, I make innuendos. I just follow it up by saying I don’t know what that means.

Me: Right, because that makes it ok.

Dad: Hey, “dirty wheels” isn’t dirty.

Me: It is when you say it.

Sthemi-Charmed Kind of Life, Baby!

Scene: Watching a Third Eye Blind concert on t.v.

Me: I can never take this guy seriously, because of his stupid lisp.

Jer: *as if sharing an interesting tidbit of information* Well I think he’s totally gay.

Me: *laughing at Jer* No, I think he just has a speech impediment.

Jer: *in all seriousness* You can’t just have a speech impediment, I think you actually have to be gay.

Spransy Quote of the Day

Jeremy: You’re such a mom right now.

Me: Why?

Jeremy: Because your like breast feeding and knitting at the same time.

Me: I’m a multi-taskin’ motha fucka!

Jer: Well maybe not quite so motherly.

Me: Why? Because of the multi-tasking?