Half An Elephant’s Gestational Period.

Nine months. That’s how long it has been since I was posting regularly.

Nine whole months!

Hmmm, which means that Ollie was only 17 months old when I stopped. Do you realize how much can happen with a kid in that time frame? MInd-boggling growth!! He went from a teetering, tentative toddler, who could recall the name of a few people and objects, to a full blown couch diving, running full speed ahead, “I want to tackle, Daddy!” boy!

And the language on this kid! Talk about being skipper of the S.S. Pottymouth! Just kidding; that isn’t actually true, although we have had some pretty funny incidents when he has repeated some phrases that he probably shouldn’t say. LIke the time Jeremy stated firmly, “This is BULLSHIT!” about something that wasn’t working the way he wanted, only to have Ollie start marching up and down the stairs chanting, “BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT,” the whole time. Or the time when I jammed my finger on his car seat and shortly after heard his sweet voice say, “Son of bitsh, mommy!” (In case you are wondering, yes, we did laugh our asses off…silently and out of view. Jeremy was able to keep it together in front of Ollie, but as we know from my lack of a “that’s not funny face,” I had to leave the room.)

Alright, I am just going to come out and say what I am sure every parent thinks about their child.

My kid is a goddamn genius.

He “reads” aloud (I am pretty sure it is just from memory at the moment) “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by Eric Carle, “The Little Engine That Could!” by Watty Piper, and “Bears,” by Maurice Sendak. CUTEST. THING. EVER!! I have it on video and as soon as I can upload it to my computer I will post it here for you. I am telling you, you will want to lay down a tarp first because your heart is going to melt all over your feet.

You know the best part about a kid who is wanting to learn new words and phrases? You can get them to repeat the funniest shit! No, I am not talking about the profanity. As funny as I said that would be, I didn’t actually want him to do it at such a young age. Do I care if Oliver swears? Not really, I just want him to understand that there is a time and a place for it. Anyways, what I am talking about are phrases that you WANT him to repeat.

Here are some of the family favorites:

“Hey! What the deuce?!”
“Douchebag”
“Hey sucka! You gotta big fat floop flo!”

I may just have to upgrade my wordpress account so that I can start posting the audio clips I have of all of these. He has the most darling little voice!

In addition to his new language skills, he can identify every letter of the alphabet in both the lower and upper case forms. He can also identify numbers 0 – 10, and he can count to 17 on his own and higher, if coaxed. He knows every color of the rainbow and more. And on top of all that, he can point out a circle, triangle, square, diamond, oval, crescent, octagon, rectangle, and star. When we are out running errands he likes to point these out as we come across them. A trip to the store would not be complete without hearing, “Mommy, wook! A byyooo stah!” or “Hey, mommy, wook! A lellow soh-cle!”

When you repeat back what he said, “Oh you saw a yellow circle?!”, he nods his little head and says, “Oh. Wight.”

Oh but guess what?! There is an added bonus that comes with all this new found language. Something in the fine print that they don’t tell you about, up front.

Tantrums. Screaming, flailing, seeming to never end, tantrums.

It’s funny how five minutes can feel like hours when the phrase, “MOMMY, NO!” is being repeated at the top of a two year old’s lungs.

Let’s be clear on one thing, though. I will not tolerate anyone saying my son is in “the terrible twos.” I hate that phrase. I hate the message it sends. Even during the times when he is in full blown meltdown, it’s not terrible. I know and understand the multiple reasons why he is doing this. On one hand it has got to be a pain in the ass to want to communicate so badly and to have everyone tell you they can’t understand what you are saying. I would get pissed, too. That in no way means that I condone this behavior at all, and he is disciplined when he is rude or belligerent to myself or Jeremy. I am just saying, I get it. I also get that he is figuring out his boundaries and pushing us to see what he can get away with, to see where the line has been drawn. Again, fine, but you step too far over that line and there are consequences.

But, truth be told, it sucks. I know it is just a phase and one that I hope is over, quickly. I hate getting mad at this face. Breaks my heart.

Everyday Life – Papa, I Wanna F’y!

This amazing photo was taken by my friend, Kim Silcox. She is an incredible photographer!

Show me that smile again. (Show me that smile) Don’t waste another minute on your cryin’.

The other day while having coffee with my dear friends, Rachel and Dawni, we got on the topic of the new season of Dancing with the Stars. Now while I have never been a fan of this show, I had to admit that I am totally stoked that the Karate Kid himself is going to be in this season’s cast!

I have this fantasy playing out in my mind that I can only hope happens on the show.

Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Sweep the leg, Kirstie.
Kirstie Alley: But I’ll be disqualified!
Maksim Chmerkovskiy: Out of commission!

This inspired me to do a post about all the cheesy “Tiger Beat-esque” posters my sister and I had on our bedroom walls when we were kids.

Of course there was cutie patootie, Ralph!

My sister, Karey, had this poster (and it was huge!) hanging over her bed. She may kill me for saying this, but I seem to remember her kissing it goodnight on a few occasions. Bwaaahhahaha! (Don’t worry, I am sure she will find a way to get me back for that.)

Or I could just do it for her, by showing you was an enormous fucking dork I was as a kid. It’s no wonder I didn’t kiss anyone until I was eighteen.

Yes. It’s true. While I may come across as the cool, hip, progressive thinking mom, underneath it all I have been hiding the dirty secret of once having a rainbow laden unicorn poster on my wall. Mumma Boo, you may have to wait on that answer about the hippo shit story. There is only so much shame one can share in such a short amount of time.

Although, I do think the fact that Tom and Kelly (we’re on a first name basis) were hanging next to it, may have evened things out a bit. Sort of like nerd-cancellation.

Next up we have the token Don Johnson, wearing all white, standing in the ocean poster. I can name very few girls, ranging in age from 10 -14 in the 1980’s, that didn’t have this poster on their wall.

It’s nice to know that mothers around the world were allowing their young, impressionable girls to almost glance Don’s Johnson. You totally looked at his penis, just now, didn’t you?

Then there was good o’ Kirk Cameron. Sigh…

One time when my other sister, Jenn, and I knew Karey was bringing a boy to the house, we went and stuck super maxi pads all over the eyes of her posters. Hahaha! Oh the crazy things you do as a kid! We had rebel written all over us!

Now every time I see him I hear “He’s got Super Kotex eyes!” a la
Kim Carnes in my mind.

And last but definitely not least, my favorite, Captain EO. We’re sending out, a major love.

I went to Disneyland this last August with my husband and two girlfriends (Right on! Foursome! What’s up Annie and Amber!) and we saw this when we were there. Holy shit. It was lame. I loved it!

Kind of makes me wonder what sort of things Rocket will put up on his walls when he gets older. Can’t wait to find out!

Listography – Because I Don’t Want to Forget

  • Oliver can now mimic the sounds for the following animals, people, or items: cow, horse, sheep, fish, shark (he sings the theme to Jaws, hilarious!), chicken, duck, car, train, clock, The Count (ah ah ah!), Cookie Monster, bird, a cowboy (YEEE HAA!!), owl, tiger, lion, monkey, various monsters, and his daddy’s butt (pppttthhh).
  • Oliver says the following words: cookie, bus, car, truck, duck, turtle, purple, mama, dada, baba, koala, and blue.
  • He has full on serious phone conversations, including hand gestures, pauses, and laughter, in a language all his own.
  • He has these same conversations with his daddy.
  • You can ask him to bring you a specific book and he can locate it and bring it to you, no matter what book it is or where it is.
  • His favorite books right now are: Sheep in a Jeep, My Big Book of Trucks, and any book featuring Grover from Sesame Street.
  • He loves big trucks and school buses.
  • He love watching Cars by Disney.
  • He can turn on my iPod Touch, locate the application he wants to play with, and start it.
  • He only has to watch someone play a game on their iPhone once before he can take total control and play it entirely on his own.
  • He knows how to turn on our PS3 so that he can watch Cars.
  • He also loves Wall-E, and now likes to carry around our little red cooler to put toys in, just like Wall-E does.
  • He can identify the following Sesame Street characters: Grover, Elmo, Bert, Ernie, Big Bird, Little Bird, Barkley, Pairie Dawn, Cookie Monster, The Count, Zoe, Oscar the Grouch, and Telly.
  • He can find the mouse on all the pages in Goodnight Moon
  • He can catch a ball…with one hand.
  • He loves to play Ring Around the Rosie and starts to fall to his knees halfway through the song, like he can hardly wait for the ending.
  • He insists on having a bowl of oatmeal every morning for breakfast.
  • He give kisses and huge bear hugs.
  • He loves to play in the drawer with the pots and pans.
  • He “winks”!

Listography: Grandma Luke

My mom mentioned the other day that it had been three years since her mother passed. Although in the back of my mind I already knew this, I was blown away. I can’t believe so much time has gone by. I think about her everyday. I miss her so much. Sometimes I am filled with so much regret that I didn’t see her more often, when I could have so easily. I think I saw her more when she was living in Santa Barbara, than when she was living a mere two miles from me. I wish desperately that she could have met Oliver. I know they would have adored and loved each other.

Taking inspiration from a recent blog post of my friend, Melissa, I have decided that this week’s list will be comprised of things that I loved and remember about my grandma.

1. Having her shriek with joy when we finally arrived at their house in California.

2. Eating mandarine oranges right off of the tree in her backyard.

3. Listening to the sound of her sewing machine whirring as she sewed you any costume you could possibly fathom.

4. Her bread hot from the oven.

5. The way she always smelled of witch hazel.

6. Stealing bottles of Martinelli’s from the garage to drink in their entirety while watching Clash of the Titans, Mr. Mom, or Gigi.

7. Going to see plays and musicals often starring her past students.

8. Playing duets with her on her piano.

9. Going to Disneyland with her for my 11th birthday.

10. Driving to Solvang and getting frozen yogurt at Penguins.

11. Her vast collection of costume jewelry. She had the coolest, quirkiest necklaces and rings.

12. Listening to her tell the story of “Prinderella and the Cince.”

13. Her burgundy thigh high boots.

14. The way my grandparent’s home always smelled of gardenias and the ocean.

15. The way she would act as if she had died and gone to heaven whenever she ate macadamia nuts.

16. Going to Italy.

17. Using her laundry chute as a means of getting from the house’s second floor to the the first floor and vice versa.

18. Going to Von’s and loading ALL of the groceries into the WRONG vehicle. (That is a story for another day.)

19. Swimming at The Racquet Club.

20. Her dishes painted with various vegetables and fruits.

21. Going to the Santa Barbara Arts Festival.

22. Having her take me to Piccadilly Square to get my ears pierced.

23. Helping her make her bed with her freshly washed and ironed sheets. Then climbing under the huge down comforter to snuggle.

24. Her gold chair which is now in Oliver’s bedroom.

25. Seeing my grandparent’s car in the driveway and sneaking in to wake them up after their late arrival to our house in Salt Lake.

26. Her love of Pepsi and Fresca.

27. Her white Keds.

28. Her cackling laugh that was often followed by a wheezing influx of air.

29. Her baby blue vinyl padded toilet seat.

30. Going to see The Jungle Book and E.T. in the movie theater.

31. King’s Hawaiian Bread.

32. Homemade orange juice popsicles.

33. Sunday Pot Roast.

34. The way she would say she “had to put her face on” before we could leave the house.

35. Her vast knowledge of Shakespeare and Greek mythology. She could rattle off any story or scene you could think of.

36. The way she would use the word “marvelous” to describe things that she loved.

…and on and on and on….

Everyday Life (Flashback) – First Camping Trip July 2009

I had to post this. I can’t believe this is the same kid.

Everyday Life: Time Passing

Then:

Now:

My baby is turning into a little man.