Half An Elephant’s Gestational Period.

Nine months. That’s how long it has been since I was posting regularly.

Nine whole months!

Hmmm, which means that Ollie was only 17 months old when I stopped. Do you realize how much can happen with a kid in that time frame? MInd-boggling growth!! He went from a teetering, tentative toddler, who could recall the name of a few people and objects, to a full blown couch diving, running full speed ahead, “I want to tackle, Daddy!” boy!

And the language on this kid! Talk about being skipper of the S.S. Pottymouth! Just kidding; that isn’t actually true, although we have had some pretty funny incidents when he has repeated some phrases that he probably shouldn’t say. LIke the time Jeremy stated firmly, “This is BULLSHIT!” about something that wasn’t working the way he wanted, only to have Ollie start marching up and down the stairs chanting, “BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT,” the whole time. Or the time when I jammed my finger on his car seat and shortly after heard his sweet voice say, “Son of bitsh, mommy!” (In case you are wondering, yes, we did laugh our asses off…silently and out of view. Jeremy was able to keep it together in front of Ollie, but as we know from my lack of a “that’s not funny face,” I had to leave the room.)

Alright, I am just going to come out and say what I am sure every parent thinks about their child.

My kid is a goddamn genius.

He “reads” aloud (I am pretty sure it is just from memory at the moment) “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?” by Eric Carle, “The Little Engine That Could!” by Watty Piper, and “Bears,” by Maurice Sendak. CUTEST. THING. EVER!! I have it on video and as soon as I can upload it to my computer I will post it here for you. I am telling you, you will want to lay down a tarp first because your heart is going to melt all over your feet.

You know the best part about a kid who is wanting to learn new words and phrases? You can get them to repeat the funniest shit! No, I am not talking about the profanity. As funny as I said that would be, I didn’t actually want him to do it at such a young age. Do I care if Oliver swears? Not really, I just want him to understand that there is a time and a place for it. Anyways, what I am talking about are phrases that you WANT him to repeat.

Here are some of the family favorites:

“Hey! What the deuce?!”
“Douchebag”
“Hey sucka! You gotta big fat floop flo!”

I may just have to upgrade my wordpress account so that I can start posting the audio clips I have of all of these. He has the most darling little voice!

In addition to his new language skills, he can identify every letter of the alphabet in both the lower and upper case forms. He can also identify numbers 0 – 10, and he can count to 17 on his own and higher, if coaxed. He knows every color of the rainbow and more. And on top of all that, he can point out a circle, triangle, square, diamond, oval, crescent, octagon, rectangle, and star. When we are out running errands he likes to point these out as we come across them. A trip to the store would not be complete without hearing, “Mommy, wook! A byyooo stah!” or “Hey, mommy, wook! A lellow soh-cle!”

When you repeat back what he said, “Oh you saw a yellow circle?!”, he nods his little head and says, “Oh. Wight.”

Oh but guess what?! There is an added bonus that comes with all this new found language. Something in the fine print that they don’t tell you about, up front.

Tantrums. Screaming, flailing, seeming to never end, tantrums.

It’s funny how five minutes can feel like hours when the phrase, “MOMMY, NO!” is being repeated at the top of a two year old’s lungs.

Let’s be clear on one thing, though. I will not tolerate anyone saying my son is in “the terrible twos.” I hate that phrase. I hate the message it sends. Even during the times when he is in full blown meltdown, it’s not terrible. I know and understand the multiple reasons why he is doing this. On one hand it has got to be a pain in the ass to want to communicate so badly and to have everyone tell you they can’t understand what you are saying. I would get pissed, too. That in no way means that I condone this behavior at all, and he is disciplined when he is rude or belligerent to myself or Jeremy. I am just saying, I get it. I also get that he is figuring out his boundaries and pushing us to see what he can get away with, to see where the line has been drawn. Again, fine, but you step too far over that line and there are consequences.

But, truth be told, it sucks. I know it is just a phase and one that I hope is over, quickly. I hate getting mad at this face. Breaks my heart.

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Because You Don’t Already Know Enough About Me

81 Things You Didn’t Know About Me Until You Read This:

What Color Is Your Toothbrush?
Blue and Green

Name One Person That Made You Smile Today?
Mr. Oliver Poopface Rocket Butt Man

What were you doing this morning at 8?
Attempting to tidy up the house.

What Were You Doing 45 Minutes Ago?
Dishes and feeding Ollie lunch.

What Is Your Favorite Candy?
Sixlets.

Have You Ever Been To A Strip Club?
Yep.

What’s the last thing you said out loud?
“I can make a pizza.”

What Was The Last Thing You Had To Drink?
Ocean Spray 100% Juice Fruit & Veggie Tropical Citrus

What Is The Longest You Have Gone Without Sleeping?
I think maybe a day.

Have You Ever Made A Promise You’d Die To Keep?
I guess so. Does promising to keep Oliver safe count?

Have You Bought Any New Clothing Items This Week?
Nope.

The Last Sporting Event You Watched?
Jeremy’s qualifying round for the Utah State Amateur Golf Championship in 2008.

What Is Your Favorite Flavor Of Popcorn?
Kettle Corn

Who Is The Last Person You Sent A Message to on Facebook?
Heather

Ever Go Camping?
Yes I do! In fact we have several camping trips planned for this summer.

Do You Take Vitamins Daily?
Does a handful of chocolate chips count?

Do You Go To Church Every Sunday?
I haven’t been to church, regularly, in a very long time. I go for things to do with family and friends. And I love to attend Vespers and the Carol Ceremony at the local catholic cathedral during the holidays.

Do You Drink Your Soda With A Straw?
In a restaurant, yes. From a can or in a glass from my own home, no.

What Did Your Last Text Message Say?
Ha ha.

What Are You Doing Tomorrow?
Probably just hanging out at home. Who knows? I tend to play it by ear when it come to planning my days.

Where Is Your Dad?
Probably hitting balls during his lunch hour.

Look To Your Left, What Do you see?
My aforementioned drink and Ollie’s rocking horse.

What Color Is Your Watch?
I don’t wear a watch.

What Do You Think Of When You Hear Australia?
I would really like to go there, someday.

What did you do yesterday?
Laundry, went for a walk with Ollie, read my book, enjoyed the nice weather.

Do You Go In At A Fast Food Place Or Just Hit The Drive Thru?
Depends on what fast food place, if Ollie is awake or not, and how much time I have.

What Is Your Favorite Number?
8250, of course.

Who’s The Last Person You Talked To On The Phone?
My sister, Karey.

Any Plans Today?
Birthday dinner for my brother, Pete. His birthday is tomorrow! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PEEWEEE!!!

Biggest Annoyance In Your Life Right Now?
Uh….

Last Song Listened To?
“I Need You,” by America.

Can You Say The Alphabet Backwards?
Sure can. I am also teaching it to Oliver in both directions.

Do You Have A Maid Service Clean Your House?
Yes. I also have a private jet that flies me to Rodeo Drive to go shopping every week.

Favorite Pair Of Shoes You Wear All The Time?
No, but I have been wearing a lot of flats, lately.

Are You Jealous Of Anyone?
No.

Is Anyone Jealous Of You?
I wouldn’t know.

Do You Love Anyone?
Absolutely.

What Do You Usually Do During The Day?
Play with Ollie, run errands, meet friends for coffee, attempt to clean the house, watch TV, etc.

Do You Hate Anyone That You Know Right Now?
I don’t know if hate is the word I would use.

Do You Use The Word ‘hello’ Daily?
Yep.

Do You Like Cats?
I liked our family cat, Willie. All other cats are disposable.

Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Yes, Magic Mountain, about twenty years ago.

How Did You Get Your Worst Scar?
Surgery.

Last Cd Played?
Spoon – Ga Ga Ga Ga

Last Bubble Bath?
A decade ago? I don’t know.

Last Time You Cried?
A week ago? I don’t know. I don’t keep track of those kinds of things.

Last Meal?
Totino’s Supreme Party Pizza.

Have You Ever Kissed Someone & Regretted It?
No.

Have You Ever Fallen In Love?
Yes

Have You Ever Lost Someone?
Yes, but that is life.

Have You Ever Slept Until 1pm?
Never. I have always been an early riser.

List Four People You Tell Pretty Much Anything To?
Jeremy, Karey, Jenn, and Heather.

List Three Favorite Colors/shades —
Red, Orange, Yellow.

Laughed Until You Cried:
Last night. That Chelsea Handler is one funny bitch.

Who Posted This Before You?
My cousin, Britney.

Lowering The Drinking Age?
I don’t see the point.

Is There Something You Want To Tell Someone?
“I don’t know how you can be that funny without enhancement creams.”

Would You Kiss Anyone On Your Top Friends?
No.

How Many Kids Do You Want To Have?
Uno.

Do You Want To Change Your Name?
No, I like my name.

Last Time You Saw Your Father?
Saturday afternoon.

What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
6:30AM

How Old Are You?
Old enough.

What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night?
Sleeping.

What Is Your Favorite Thing In Your Room?
I don’t know that I would call any thing “a favorite.” I do like the pictures we have hung.

Where Is Your Best Friend Right Now?
Working.

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!! Check it out!

I must have one.

Wake n’ Bacon

All Around Me

Listening to: Wrong (Todd Terry Remix) – Everything But the Girl

Thinking about: Things I need to do:

  • Put away baskets of clean laundry at the end of our bed
  • Find cable to upload photos from camera to my computer
  • Stop thinking about things I could draw in my sketchbook and actually do it
  • Mop the floors
  • Return Rocket’s library books
  • Eat chocolate Exercise
  • Go to post office

Things that I find inspiring at this moment:
100 ideas!
The Thought Project
Jenny Saville
Moleskines

Reading: “A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man” – James Joyce and “The Lost Symbol” by Dan Brown.

One of These Things is Not Like the Others…

This picture was included with one of the news stories on Yahoo’s home page, today. I admit, I chuckled a bit.

Your Aunt Becky Has Some Questions For You!

Yes, it’s true! Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka is interviewing each and every lovely reader willing to answer her. So, of course, I am playing along. But wait! There’s more! She is also giving away a book to a random person who participates in the interviewing process.

Are you telling me that I get to answer a questionnaire AND I may win a book?! Well slap my ass and call me Susie.

Mommy Wants Vodka

1) Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream?

Do they have the potential to prevent my ice cream from EVER MELTING?

2) If you had to choose one word to banish from the English language, what would it be and why?

“Moist.”

Gross. Just say it.

“Moist.”

See.

Gross.

3) If you were a flavor, what would it be?

Peppermint

4) What’s the most pointless annoying chore you can think of that you do on a daily/weekly basis?

This question assumes that I actually do chores that regularly. But if I had to pick something I would say: changin’ the tickin’ in Ma and Pa’s mattress. (Is it just me or does the word “chore” start the theme song to Little House on the Prairie in your head?)

5) Of all the nicknames I’ve ever had in my life, Aunt Becky is the most widely known and probably my favorite. What’s your favorite nickname? (for yourself)

Jimmy Two Boobs

6) You’re stuck on a desert island with the collective works of 5 (and only five) musical artists for the rest of your life. Who are they?

Muse, Billy Holiday, Eric Satie, Michael Jackson, and Peter Gabriel

7) Everything is better with bacon. True or false?

Absolutely true.

8 ) If I could go back in time and tell Young Aunt Becky one thing, it would be that out of chaos, order will emerge. Also: tutus go with everything. What would you tell young self?

Don’t be so afraid of failing.

For Today

* I stole this idea from Ali Edwards. She’s a creative lady, she is. Not because of this post, per se, but all of the other marvelous things she does.*

For Today : October 16th

Outside my window…view of the mountains, kids walking to and from school, horses in the field across the way.

I am thinking…I am in need of some serious inspiration in my life.

I am thankful for… our beautiful, healthy little boy. I am thankful for my incredible husband. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that I will get to see Heather and her beautiful new baby, again, on Sunday. i am thankful that I have the opportunity to teach art to a bunch of crazy youngsters.

From the kitchen…Bacon wrapped filet mignon, parmesan mashed potatoes, and corn. Dessert – chocolate cake. Mmmhmm…that’s right.

I am wearing…Banana republic jeans, pink ribbed sweater, white tank top, brown leather flats.

I am creating…paintings for Jer’s office, cards to send out for the holidays, my first minibook, other random art projects as the mood strikes.

I am going…to hang out with my friend Amber tomorrow and have an Austen Powers marathon. She has never seen these movies and, well, that is just unacceptable.

I am reading…The Singing by Allison Croggin and Open: Inside the Ropes at Bethpage Black by John Feinstein. To Oliver I am reading The Berenstain Bears and the Spooky Old Tree. Got to get him in the mood for Halloween!!

I am hoping…for….I don’t know what I am hoping for. I will have to get back to you on that one.

I am hearing…the sound of Jeremy typing, Muse playing in the background, and Oliver breathing.

Around the house…there are art projects. Paintings in progress are leaned up around the kitchen. Craft projects are scattered on the table.

One of my favorite things…is seeing Oliver’s face light up when Jer comes home from work.

A few plans for the rest of the week…baby blessing on Sunday, photo session on Monday with my mom’s students, followed up by an art lesson on Friday.

A picture to share…

We sure do love our tubby time. The bathroom floor and me are usually soaked by the time all the splashing subsides.

What was your day like?

Another side note: Has anyone seen or heard from LilSass? She seems to be MIA